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5 May 2013

I've begun to get into this habit of starting every blog post I write with: 'I'm sorry I haven't been around for a while', or something of that nature. But really, that's not what my blog is all about. 
Yes, I haven't written in a while but to those who read me regardless of whether I put a post up every day or once a month, thank you for for accepting that


My exam season starts in 8 days. 
It finishes in 40.
Results day is in 109.

Lately, these figures have become all I care about and all my mind revolves around. Opening that first exam paper, closing the last one and peeling open the flap of the dreaded white envelope that carries the verdict: am I successful? Am I clever? I am I going far in life? Are my parents proud of me? 

At some point it got me so twisted that I couldn't sleep. I couldn't focus and it paralysed me. The pressure sent me backwards instead of motivating me on. 

That's when I began to get panic attacks.

I never thought I would be the kind of person to get them, to be perfectly honest. I could identify with stress but never with anxiety. Until one night while I was lying in bed it just hit me. I couldn't understand why because I had spent the whole day revising and working towards my exams but it just engulfed me. 

I couldn't breathe, I felt like I was going to vomit and I just wanted it to stop. It was one of the most horrible thing's I've ever been through.

Even thinking about it now just makes me want to cry.

I've only had two since then, and that was about two months ago. For some odd reason, I always get them when I have worked my hardest. I guess it's because there is more space for me to lie to myself and tell myself that I haven't done enough. I would say to myself: You could have done so much more; you think you have done your best today but it's just not enough.

I think that's one of my biggest fears, not doing enough.  I hate thinking that I could have done more, but I didn't. 

To be honest, I'm just so scared. I'm terrified. It might seem ridiculous to you; you might think I'm over reacting or attention seeking but to me it has become my life.

I don't want to be this panic stricken person who lives life in fear of not doing enough. I don't want to be someone who over thinks to the point where they can't sleep anymore. 

It's started to get better. I'm telling myself now that it doesn't matter how organised I am or how many schedules I can stick to. It's about making the simple decision to revise or not to revise. That's all that is important now. I know I'm strong enough to decide what is best for me and what is going to result in me being able to say that I've made the right decisions and that I've tried my best. 

All I want is to be proud of myself, for my parent's to know I did my best, and for God to be able to say: I knew you could do it.

Guys, you might think this was cheesy or weird, but this is my blog and I needed to tell someone, anyone, about everything.

Whoever reads this, I hope it made you feel like you can do it too.

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