THE LIST

Hey guys!

Finally exams are finished and I couldn't be happier. If any of you read my last post, you
know that when it comes to stress, I'm not exactly the best at dealing with it. Anyway, 
even though I am so happy to be able to lounge about without feeling guilty, I do have a 
couple of things I want to achieve while I have so much free time on my hands. 
(In case you didn't realise, if I've crossed something out, it means I have actually done it already)

♥ Burn all my old school things

♥ Dye my hair pink

♥ Fly by myself

♥ Make a stranger laugh

♥ Say yes for a whole entire day

♥ Skinny dip

♥ Learn to say "Hello, how are you?" in 10 different languages

♥ Wear no makeup for 10 days

♥ Drink a whole cup of coffee (I hate coffee, bleugh)

♥ Finish learning to play the guitar

♥ Frolic in a field

♥ Read Jane Eyre

♥ Sleep on the trampoline

♥ Get a cartilage piercing

♥ Spend the whole day in bed

♥ Perform in a public place

♥ Get on a random train and see where it takes me

♥ Don't talk for 2 days straight

♥ Buy a camera

♥ Start a YouTube channel

Now, these are just some of the things I want to do this summer, partly to kill time, but 
also to make sure that I make the most of it! This is one of the longest summer holidays of
my whole life and I don't want to get to September and be disappointed in the way that I
used my time.
I especially want to let you guys know about the last thing on my list, I've been 
thinking about it for a while now and I think I would love to start making videos as well as 
blog posts. I can make music, talk about make up and life and everything like that. It 
would just be an extension of my blog, that also makes me more accessible..
Let me know what you think, and I'll keep you all posted on how my list is coming along. 

Thanks for sticking by me guys!

xxxx

♥

I've begun to get into this habit of starting every blog post I write with: 'I'm sorry I haven't been around for a while', or something of that nature. But really, that's not what my blog is all about. 
Yes, I haven't written in a while but to those who read me regardless of whether I put a post up every day or once a month, thank you for for accepting that

***

My exam season starts in 8 days. 
It finishes in 40.
Results day is in 109.

Lately, these figures have become all I care about and all my mind revolves around. Opening that first exam paper, closing the last one and peeling open the flap of the dreaded white envelope that carries the verdict: am I successful? Am I clever? I am I going far in life? Are my parents proud of me? 

At some point it got me so twisted that I couldn't sleep. I couldn't focus and it paralysed me. The pressure sent me backwards instead of motivating me on. 

That's when I began to get panic attacks.

I never thought I would be the kind of person to get them, to be perfectly honest. I could identify with stress but never with anxiety. Until one night while I was lying in bed it just hit me. I couldn't understand why because I had spent the whole day revising and working towards my exams but it just engulfed me. 

I couldn't breathe, I felt like I was going to vomit and I just wanted it to stop. It was one of the most horrible thing's I've ever been through.

Even thinking about it now just makes me want to cry.

I've only had two since then, and that was about two months ago. For some odd reason, I always get them when I have worked my hardest. I guess it's because there is more space for me to lie to myself and tell myself that I haven't done enough. I would say to myself: You could have done so much more; you think you have done your best today but it's just not enough.

I think that's one of my biggest fears, not doing enough.  I hate thinking that I could have done more, but I didn't. 

To be honest, I'm just so scared. I'm terrified. It might seem ridiculous to you; you might think I'm over reacting or attention seeking but to me it has become my life.

I don't want to be this panic stricken person who lives life in fear of not doing enough. I don't want to be someone who over thinks to the point where they can't sleep anymore. 

It's started to get better. I'm telling myself now that it doesn't matter how organised I am or how many schedules I can stick to. It's about making the simple decision to revise or not to revise. That's all that is important now. I know I'm strong enough to decide what is best for me and what is going to result in me being able to say that I've made the right decisions and that I've tried my best. 

All I want is to be proud of myself, for my parent's to know I did my best, and for God to be able to say: I knew you could do it.

Guys, you might think this was cheesy or weird, but this is my blog and I needed to tell someone, anyone, about everything.

Whoever reads this, I hope it made you feel like you can do it too.

♥

I love a lot of things

I was wondering what to write and I asked my amazing friend for advice and after some long debating, she told me to write about something I love.

♥ I love it when my room has just been tidied

♥ I love it when the shower is the perfect temperature

♥ I love it when shuffle reads my mind

♥ I love the feeling of waking up because of the sun shining through my curtains

♥ I love eating that first bite of food when I haven't eaten all day

♥ I love really tight hugs

♥ I love it when the clock hits 3.30 on a Friday afternoon of school

♥ I love it when I wake up and realise that I can lie in today

♥ I love the feeling of playing a piano piece perfectly all the way through

♥ I love getting in to a bed with clean sheets

♥ I love music that just makes you feel like you can do anything

♥ I love knowing that God loves me no matter what

♥ I love looking out of my window and seeing a clear blue sky

♥ I love spending time with my family when all of us are in a great mood

♥ I love stretching in the morning

♥ I love it when my dad tells me I'm great

♥ I love the smell of fresh washing that's still wet - it's heaven

♥  I love tea that is made with the perfect amount of milk and sugar

♥ I love re-reading a good book and discovering new things I hadn't noticed before

♥ I love it when people close my door without me asking them to

♥ I love drinking water when I'm thirsty

♥ I love it when someone or something genuinely makes me laugh

♥ I love it when someone really wants to know how I'm feeling

♥ I love it when I can be myself with people

♥ I love it when my mum laughs at my jokes  

♥ I love the moment when you can say "it's not even that cold any more" when you're swimming in the sea

♥ I love that surge of motivation I get once in a while

♥ I love knowing that someday I will be independent

♥ I love the feeling of finishing something

♥ I love making something beautiful

♥ I love it when I write the date and my handwriting actually looks nice for once

♥ I love being somewhere or seeing something that puts everything into perspective

♥ I love the thrill of doing something new

♥ I love this song 

xxxx