♥

I've begun to get into this habit of starting every blog post I write with: 'I'm sorry I haven't been around for a while', or something of that nature. But really, that's not what my blog is all about. 
Yes, I haven't written in a while but to those who read me regardless of whether I put a post up every day or once a month, thank you for for accepting that

***

My exam season starts in 8 days. 
It finishes in 40.
Results day is in 109.

Lately, these figures have become all I care about and all my mind revolves around. Opening that first exam paper, closing the last one and peeling open the flap of the dreaded white envelope that carries the verdict: am I successful? Am I clever? I am I going far in life? Are my parents proud of me? 

At some point it got me so twisted that I couldn't sleep. I couldn't focus and it paralysed me. The pressure sent me backwards instead of motivating me on. 

That's when I began to get panic attacks.

I never thought I would be the kind of person to get them, to be perfectly honest. I could identify with stress but never with anxiety. Until one night while I was lying in bed it just hit me. I couldn't understand why because I had spent the whole day revising and working towards my exams but it just engulfed me. 

I couldn't breathe, I felt like I was going to vomit and I just wanted it to stop. It was one of the most horrible thing's I've ever been through.

Even thinking about it now just makes me want to cry.

I've only had two since then, and that was about two months ago. For some odd reason, I always get them when I have worked my hardest. I guess it's because there is more space for me to lie to myself and tell myself that I haven't done enough. I would say to myself: You could have done so much more; you think you have done your best today but it's just not enough.

I think that's one of my biggest fears, not doing enough.  I hate thinking that I could have done more, but I didn't. 

To be honest, I'm just so scared. I'm terrified. It might seem ridiculous to you; you might think I'm over reacting or attention seeking but to me it has become my life.

I don't want to be this panic stricken person who lives life in fear of not doing enough. I don't want to be someone who over thinks to the point where they can't sleep anymore. 

It's started to get better. I'm telling myself now that it doesn't matter how organised I am or how many schedules I can stick to. It's about making the simple decision to revise or not to revise. That's all that is important now. I know I'm strong enough to decide what is best for me and what is going to result in me being able to say that I've made the right decisions and that I've tried my best. 

All I want is to be proud of myself, for my parent's to know I did my best, and for God to be able to say: I knew you could do it.

Guys, you might think this was cheesy or weird, but this is my blog and I needed to tell someone, anyone, about everything.

Whoever reads this, I hope it made you feel like you can do it too.

♥

I love a lot of things

I was wondering what to write and I asked my amazing friend for advice and after some long debating, she told me to write about something I love.

♥ I love it when my room has just been tidied

♥ I love it when the shower is the perfect temperature

♥ I love it when shuffle reads my mind

♥ I love the feeling of waking up because of the sun shining through my curtains

♥ I love eating that first bite of food when I haven't eaten all day

♥ I love really tight hugs

♥ I love it when the clock hits 3.30 on a Friday afternoon of school

♥ I love it when I wake up and realise that I can lie in today

♥ I love the feeling of playing a piano piece perfectly all the way through

♥ I love getting in to a bed with clean sheets

♥ I love music that just makes you feel like you can do anything

♥ I love knowing that God loves me no matter what

♥ I love looking out of my window and seeing a clear blue sky

♥ I love spending time with my family when all of us are in a great mood

♥ I love stretching in the morning

♥ I love it when my dad tells me I'm great

♥ I love the smell of fresh washing that's still wet - it's heaven

♥  I love tea that is made with the perfect amount of milk and sugar

♥ I love re-reading a good book and discovering new things I hadn't noticed before

♥ I love it when people close my door without me asking them to

♥ I love drinking water when I'm thirsty

♥ I love it when someone or something genuinely makes me laugh

♥ I love it when someone really wants to know how I'm feeling

♥ I love it when I can be myself with people

♥ I love it when my mum laughs at my jokes  

♥ I love the moment when you can say "it's not even that cold any more" when you're swimming in the sea

♥ I love that surge of motivation I get once in a while

♥ I love knowing that someday I will be independent

♥ I love the feeling of finishing something

♥ I love making something beautiful

♥ I love it when I write the date and my handwriting actually looks nice for once

♥ I love being somewhere or seeing something that puts everything into perspective

♥ I love the thrill of doing something new

♥ I love this song 

xxxx

How to: Get your life back

Hey there.

I think it's fair to say that I have been away for much too long. To symbolise this, I'm going to give a short synopsis of the reasons for this, and why it is relevant to all of you. 

Exams, friends, family, lack of sleep, lack of time, lack of inspiration and lack of organisation. 

Now that everything has calmed down somewhat, I feel like my life is kind of disorganised, and anyone who knows me will know that that is a place I hate to be in. My head feels like it's a mess and that has quite a big impact on my life: my room is horrendous, my school work goes down hill and I become even more anti-social than I already am. Thus the reason for writing this. If you feel the same as me, why not join me on my journey to: 

Get my life back!

Of course, this implies that my life was lost to begin with, but this is not the case at all. I am over exaggerating massively in that my life is still quite great even though I feel like it's not and that I am super fortunate with everything that I have. However, I feel like that with a few changes, it could be at its healthiest.

Change your outlook

I am a firm believer in this theory: if your environment is untidy, so is your head. I HATE tidying my bedroom, but not quite as much as I hate the feeling of it messy. So tidy your room. If not, is there anything that you could change about your environment? Maybe move a few things around, change your duvet cover or even just hoover; I'm not suggesting a complete spring clean because that takes time that only few people have, but just surround yourself with things that make you happy!

Clean sheets just make me so happy...

Give something up

Lent is approaching, so this might be the perfect opportunity to start to think about this. If you know you do something that is not good for you, give it up! It could be something as simple and cliché as chocolate or you could give up Saturday morning lie ins to go to the gym! But go easy and make sure it's making you feel good and don't punish yourself.

Spend quality time with people who love you

If people love you, they want the best for you and you can be yourself around them. Spending time with these people can really help you recharge your batteries, relax and have a good time! And it's not about the amount of time you spend with them - you could see your friends and family all day every day - but the quality of the time you're spending. Talk to them, play games, have fun!

Me and my sister in Cornwall <3

Spend quality time with yourself

It's important to have time for yourself when you're not on your laptop or waiting for someone to call you back. Just turn everything off and do something else. Get some fresh air! Read a book! Have a long hot bath - whatever relaxes you. 

Resolutions?

Nope, it doesn't have to be New Year for these! Think of a few things, maybe 5, that you're going to do differently from now on and really try to stick to them. You'll have a better sense of discipline and you'll feel like YOU are the one controlling your life, not stress or work or school. For me? Write a blogpost every Sunday, go to bed earlier, drink more water, play more piano and don't worry.

Have fun!

You're never going to have this day again and if you waste it stressing out about something you can't change, you're going to miss out. If you CAN change what you're worrying about, then change it! If you can't, oh well. It's out of your control then so what? We can't have everything our way. Just live life to the full and go with the flow (so cheesy.)

I will keep you posted on how this little adventure is going for me and let me know in the comments if this was at all beneficial! Thank you so much for those of you who have stuck with me while I've been busy - I love y'all ;)

Have an amazing week you lot! 
Ciska.

xxxx

P.S. Here's a little video just to cheer you up...